Letters to Julia
by haternotalover
Summary: Eli writes letters to Julia after his therapist suggests it. For people who always wondered why Eli decided to go after Clare in "All Falls Down"  *Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi*
1. Chapter 1

Hey Jules,

It's my 16th birthday today. CeCe and Bullfrog got me a hearse instead of a real car. You would love it, Jules. It's big and it kind of smells and it's that perfect shade of black that we both love. The Speakers are amazing! Bullfrog had one of his friends at the radio station put in these great high def speakers instead of the nasty, crackly funeral ones. I think I'm going to name it Morty.

I really wish you were here, Jules. It's my second birthday without you and it sucks. This was supposed to be our year. We were going to run away together, go to Vancouver, and live out the rest of lives together. But then I killed you.

Everyone tells me it's not my fault, your death. My mom, my dad, my therapist. Did you know they make me see a therapist now? Yeah. Ever since I tried to "kill myself", I have to go three times a week with Dr. Johnson.

It sucks. Every time we meet, he flat out asks me why I attempted suicide (which I didn't. I just had some anger to get out). And every time I answer, "I didn't." The only thing he's suggested so far that actually made sense was to write a letter to you. And that's what I'm doing no.

I think I'll keep doing this. It was kind of relaxing.

I love you,

Eli


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey y'all. I was really happy with the couple reviews I got for this, even though the first chapters was just sort of an introduction type thing.**

**PS If someone can tell me how to PM someone, I'll dedicate you a one shot or something, because I have NO idea how to :). Gracias!**

Hi Julia,

I know I promised I'd write again but it's the end of the school year and stuff has been crazy. We had the spring dance (which of course I didn't go to, but I helped set up), I had a speech competition in Hamilton, and we just finished final exams. Finals had seemed kind of tough last year but now they're not quite so hard. Not that you ever go to take them…

Anyway, I was talking to my parents today and they said they were thinking about moving during the summer. I'm going to end up changing schools mid-high school career, but I think it's for the best. They put up a big memorial at Bardell for you. There are pictures of you all around a giant "We miss you, Julia!" sign. They put up pictures of you, of you and me, of when you were little and your naturally blonde hair wasn't dyed yet. I remember how you would always ask me whether I liked you more as a blonde or with black hair.

I always said black because I knew it would make you happy. You had always hated your blonde hair and had told me so on many occasions. But really, I thought you were beautiful either way. Even on the first day of freshman year, when I saw you arguing with that office lady about your schedule, I thought you were so pretty. Then when I found out you were in my Algebra and Honors Grade Nine English classes, I was ecstatic. And you wanted nothing to do with me.

But I worked at it. And we eventually became friends. I think you always knew I wanted more from the relationship than just friends. Then, when we were hanging out under the slide at the playground, you leaned in and kissed me. Our first kiss was, in my opinion, one of the most romantic experiences I'd ever had. And probably ever will.

Julia, it sucks that you're gone and I don't think I'll ever get over it. You'll always be my first and only love.

I love you,

Eli


	3. Chapter 3

**I really appreciate the reviews! Especially since I don't see this as much of a story. I just wrote it while bored in Algebra. It's nothing special. But, seriously, whenever I see that someone has reviewed this, my soul gets happy (I know it's kind of cheesy, but it's true)**

Julia,

It's August now. We moved last week and I unpacked the last bow for my room just now. As soon as I write this letter, I'm going to go install the lock on my door. I really hate it when people come into my room. It's for my eyes alone. Oh, and your eyes too. But you're gone. I have a lot of your stuff here too. One of your socks, that mixed CD you gave me on our two month anniversary, the ticket stub for when we saw Alien at that old sci-fi movie theater. Anything that reminds me you, I kept. I never want to forget you, and what better way than to keep your stuff around me?

My parents keep telling me that I should go back to Dr. Johnson (I stopped seeing him about a month ago), but I hate the guy so much I don't think can ever go back there. He says I have a "hoarding" problem. I don't. I know what hoarding is and I am _not _one of those people. I'm not hoarding your stuff. I just don't want to get rid of it. All this stuff helps me remember you.

I found out the school I'm going to for junior and senior year. It's this place called Degrassi Community School. I looked it up. It's been in the news a lot actually. Apparently, there was a shooting there and a kid from there was murdered because of some sort of gang feud. This place has a history, and although a lot of carp's gone down there, the classes and stuff seem really cool. I'm going to be taking two of the hardest classes a junior can take: Advanced English and AP French.

I really hope you're doing well, Jules, wherever you are. I don't really know how it works when you die or where you go, but I hope you're happy. Sometimes I think about what my heaven would be. I'd like to think it would be really dark, with lots of trees. Also, instead of harps or whatever music they play in heaven, our playlist will be running on shuffle. I still listen to it all the time. Bless the Fall, Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria. I'd like to think that, but ever since you died, I don't believe in heaven of God anymore.

I love you,

Eli


	4. Chapter 4

Julia,

September has come and gone, leaving with us with the one autumn month, October. A lot has changed since I wrote you last, and I think some of it might make you upset. Remember when I told you about that special English class I'm taking? Well, there's a girl in this class and she's pretty cool, even though she's a year younger than me. Her name is Clare. I think I like her. She's smart, kind, funny, and she's very pretty. The only problem is you. Every time I think I'm going to kiss Clare, your face pops into my mind and then I realize that I'm not over you.

Everyone says that you would want me to be happy, and I know that. I just honestly don't think I'm ready for another relationship yet. It's only been a year and a half since you died. It hasn't been nearly enough time before I'm done grieving your loss.

The one thing I _do_ feel bad about is not telling Clare about you. I know I probably should soon but there just hasn't been the right moment. Is there ever a good moment to tell the girl you think you like about your dead ex-girlfriend with whom you're still in love with? You can't exactly just slip that into conversation. I have no idea why this is so hard. I was able to tell Adam, my other best friend, as soon as I knew he was trustworthy enough to not blab to the entire school. But with Clare, it's different. I feel like she might not see me the same way if she knew what I did, and how my past isn't really blemish-free. Clare is a very devoted Christian (she's got the abstinence ring to prove it) and was raised not to judge people. But when I used to go to church, I only got the feeling that "sinners" (like you and me) would never be accepted by the church, and I doubt Clare would accept me either. Even though you are dead and Clare and I aren't together, it feels like I'm cheating on you.

That's why Clare I haven't done anything yet. It's wrong to cheat on people. Even dead people.

Love,

Eli


	5. Chapter 5

**I know this isn't to Julia, but if I don't put this in here then the rest of the story doesn't really make sense.**

Eli,

I' m so sorry about what you saw in the classroom yesterday. I didn't mean for it to happen. Caleb is just so convincing sometimes. Anyway, when you walked in on Caleb and me, and I saw the tears in your eyes, I realized how much pain I've caused you in the last eight months. We think we're in love. We do all the couple-y things. But we're bad for each other, Eli. We take and take from one another without giving anything in return. And how can two people be in a relationship, how can two people be in _love_, when they don't even really like each other?

You think you love me, or at least you did before yesterday, but do you really? All we do is fight. And yesterday we were just horrible to each other. Granted, I deserved it but that's not the point.

And when I realized all this, I knew what I needed to do. I'm making you miserable. I'm making myself miserable. I'm going through _hell_ at home. Phyllis made it her life's mission to ruin my life. And the sad thing is, it's working. I know I told you that I'm going to let her get to me, but the truth is, how can I not? If I'm not arguing with you at school or at your house, I'm arguing with her at mine. This lifestyle isn't working.

So I've decided to die.

Tomorrow night, at Ian's party, I'm going to pick a fight with you. I'm going to get mad. I'll cry and take off on my bike. Then, I'm going to ride out in front of a car. Hopefully, the impact will kill me painfully. I deserve it. I hope this doesn't make you think of me as a horrible person. That's not the purpose of this letter.

Does it make me selfish, wanting to kill myself? Does it make me selfish, knowing that you're probably going to blame yourself? Probably. But like I said before, we don't really like each other, so I'm allowed to be mean.

The point of this is I want you to be happy. I want you to date someone who doesn't make you mad all the time. Knowing you, you'll probably think my death is entirely your fault. It's not your fault at all. I hope this didn't make you mad or make you hate me.

These will be the last words I ever write to you.

I will miss you,

Julia

**I hope I didn't make Julia too much of a bitch… Actually, I kind of do ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chelfrie- I'll explain this later. I know letters are sort of hard to understand. :)**

Dear Julia,

I wish I had known about this letter earlier. I wish you had left a more obvious note, instead of something hidden in your bookshelf that took your dad a year and a half to find. I literally just you're your note. Your dad called my house and asked if I could come over. He said he was cleaning out your room and found this letter. He hadn't opened it because the name on the envelope belonged to me. I opened it and soon realized what it was.

And now, here I am, in my bedroom surrounded by all your stuff that I still can't bring myself to part with, writing a letter that you'll never get to read.

I just wanted to say that you were wrong about one thing, but right about another. I loved you. That's what you were wrong about. You knew that I loved you and you knew I would have done anything for you.

I did blame myself for your death. That's what you were right about. I thought I killed you. I had convinced myself that if I hadn't been at that party, you would still be alive. But once the letter you wrote to me over a year and a half ago, my whole outlook on life changed.

The one thing that hasn't changed is my faith in God. I remember, a long time ago, when I would go to church every Sunday. Then we met and I stopped going as much. Then one day I stopped going altogether. I never gave up my belief in God, though. I was just a little less obvious about religion. But when you died, so did my faith. If there really is a God, then how could he let the most important person in my life take herself away from me? That sounds selfish, but that's what I think. And although we probably wouldn't still be together if you were alive, I don't think my feelings for you would die. Lessen? Maybe. But never disappear.

Also, I wanted to thank you for what you wrote. I want to be happy and there is a person who makes me feel that way. You helped me realize that I need to try to move on with my life and with my relationships.

Sincerely,

Eli


	7. Chapter 7

Hello,

My name is Clare. Eli has told me a lot about you and he said he's told you a lot about me. I can only hope its all good stuff because Eli won't actually let me read the letters. It's totally okay with me though because I know that you were really important to Eli, which means you're important to me. At first when he asked me to write something to you, I was a little skeptical. I didn't understand why Eli wanted me to write a letter to you if you were never going to read it. But he did that adorable thing with his eyes and I gave in.

From what I've heard about you, I think we actually could have been great friends. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I don't care about reputations or looks. I know that people at your old school thought you were some sort of "goth bitch", but when Eli described you, how you acted when you weren't in school, I didn't see the image of the bitch everyone else saw. The ways Eli talks about you, I actually imagined my best friend, Alli. She had a bit of a reputation around Degrassi and people never really got to know her; they just assumed based on what some else overheard. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to you.

Now that the awkward stuff is out of the way, I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself. My full name is Clare Dianna Edwards. I'm fifteen and I'm a sophomore at Degrassi Community School. I have a sister named a Darcy who is living in Kenya right now to "rebuild her soul" (it's a long story…). I miss her a lot, even though we used to fight all the time. My parents are still together, but barely. I think they're going to split up soon. I was raised Catholic and I wear a purity ring. I met Eli in English class (although I'm sure he's told you that already). Eli is one of my best friends in school, along with Adam. Adam is also in our English class. He is transgender but we don't mind. Like I said before, I don't care about appearance.

I hope to write more of these letters. I think is an interesting idea, and although they won't ever be read by you, I think writing the letters helps Eli get over your loss which is good because I know neither of us want to see him hurting.

Until next time,

Clare

**THE END**


	8. Author's Note

Long Author's Note (That's why it's not in bold):

I know letter stories can be confusing because they are written like you already know what the characters are talking about. So I'll clarify.

Julia was Eli's girlfriend through, what I'm guessing, most of their freshman year. They fell in love. On April 22, 2009, Julia was hit by a car and died. Eli had always blamed himself for her death because they got into a huge fight before she rode off crying on her bike. I said they went to Bardell, but I really have no idea where they went before Eli came to Degrassi.

When Eli went to his new school he met a girl named Clare and he started to really like her. The only problem was he blamed himself for Julia's death and didn't think he deserved to be happy. (I made this next part up too) But one day, Julia's dad found a letter from her to Eli talking about her impending suicide. Eli read the note and realized that it wasn't his fault that Julia had died. She would have died whether or not they got into a fight.

Clare and Eli get together and Clare writes Julia a letter just telling about herself. Eli asked her to but at first she didn't want to because writing to a dead person would be weird. But once she did it, she liked it so she will probably write Julia again.

I think this will be the last time I write anything with just letters because it was really hard. I tried to change my writing styles to match the characters but I really can only write like me (if that makes sense). I understand, and expect, negative reviews on this story because there really wasn't much of a story to it.

Basically, I wrote this because I have been curious as to why Eli picked _that day_ kiss Clare in _All Falls Down_. It seemed kind of random to me, and although I understand it was important for the rest of the episode to work out, I didn't really like it because I felt like just a couple weeks before Eli was telling Clare how much he loved Julia and how he blamed himself. Then he just goes and kisses her. I didn't like it then and I still don't like it now, even though I'm kind of over it.

Also, I'm looking for Eclare one shot ideas. I've been meaning to write one but all my ideas suck.

Kisses!

PS If you have any other questions, feel free to pm me. :)


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